


Christmas at McDonalds

by yuletide_archivist



Category: Zoolander (2001)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-20
Updated: 2006-12-20
Packaged: 2018-01-25 06:41:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1637006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Matilda tries to give Derek Jr. a 'normal' boyhod experience, but none of the boys are cooperating.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Christmas at McDonalds

**Author's Note:**

> AN: I hope this made you giggle a little at least. Sorry for the high suck-factor! I tried to do a nice Hansel/Derek but it turned out more gen. Hope you don't mind and Happy Holidays.
> 
> Written for snow dome

 

 

 _AN: Warning: Strong language, rampant OOCness. Part of my inspiration for this stemmed from a review of_ **Zoolander** I'd read recently (part of my `research') which discussed the fine job Ben Stiller did at poking fun at the often over-the-top and ridiculous world of the rich and famous. This was written too close to the due date to have it beta-ed, and I apologize for that. It was intended to be more of a Derek/Hansel (since you'd mentioned that pairing and I really liked the idea of it as well), but it turned out as more of a Gen fic. Hope it gives you a giggle or two at any rate! I only wish I could pull off something similar to those lovely, inane one-liners from the movie.

 

 

Matilda looked over to see what Derek Jr. was doing on the McDonald's kiddie playground and sighed. She'd brought Derek Jr. to McDonalds in attempt to expose him to something more `normal' and boyish than the world of male modeling. The young boy was practicing poses in the Ronald McDonald funhouse-style mirror. Another boy who had been bouncing up and down in the ball pit paused to watch Derek Jr. with wide eyes. "Sissy-boy," the boy taunted and shoved Derek Jr. down in front of the mirror before he bounded off.

"Did you see what that ugly little boy just did to Derek Jr.?" Matilda huffed as she watched Derek Jr. primly pick himself up off the floor and begin to brush his clothing off. There was no answer from behind her and Matilda glanced around. Derek appeared to be absorbed in fluffing up Hansel's hair.

"If you'll just put a little lift in the front like this, you'll be taken a lot more seriously," Derek told Hansel in a knowing tone.

Hansel gave him a wink. "Maybe I don't want to be taken seriously, Derek. That's your look - intense, brooding - mine is more laid back, you know as if I'm too busy pointing and laughing at all those serious people to give a damn about what they're doing."

Derek nodded as if he'd just said something very wise and both men turned their attention back to Matilda.

"This is a nice dinner you've arranged, Matilda. I love sushi when it's done Ethiopian style. Nice place too, very...red. Red is so festive."

"But I didn't bring all this food, Hansel did-"

"Derek's right," Hansel interrupted. "It's been so long since we could sit down and just have a nice, quiet family dinner together and I, for one, think it's a damn shame."

Derek murmured in agreement between small bites of his brioche. "Do you think the waitress could get me some more of this? We should really do this every Christmas." Hansel waved his half-eaten brioche at two teenage girls carrying a tray of hamburgers and fries back to a booth. "Excuse me! More of this."

One of the girls told her girlfriend in a loud whisper. "I think that's Hansel. He's so hot right now."

"Yeah and aren't we supposed to exchange presents or something?" Derek quirked an eyebrow in what he supposed was a fetching manner at Matilda. "I usually get a dozen roses and some new hair gel from Maury. Why isn't he here this year?"

Matilda opened her mouth to snap at both men that it was mid-March, not Christmas, and that McDonalds didn't sell fucking brioche, which Hansel had brought with him in the first place, but she closed it quickly when she remembered the talk she and Maury Ballstein had the week before.  
 __  
"You've got to stop beating your head against the wall with these two. If they want spend Daddy-Daddy time with Derek Jr., you should be happy about that! Some Dads never take the time," Maury explained in a near-shout as he struggled to carry on a conversation with both Matilda and someone on the other end of his mobile.

Matilda wasn't convinced. "It's not that, Maury, I just wish Derek and Hansel would do something with him other than taking him shopping, to the salon or day spa. Something more masculine-"

"What the fuck are you telling me, moron! Do you know who the hell I am, who you're dealing with?" Maury was shouting into his phone again.

"Like a ball game. Or the park. Something normal." Matilda knew that Maury probably wasn't listening, but she needed to vent to someone.

"Is that the best you can do? For Christ's sake you're telling me that's the BEST you can do?" Maury's eyes were bulging and his face was beet-red.

"It's as if Derek Jr. has three mommies, Maury. He needs a male role model who acts, you know, more .... manly. And Hansel and Derek are always together these days and sometimes I feel like the third wheel."

Maury was now fumbling with the buttons on his mobile and muttering under his breath as he tried to activate his call waiting. "Hi, Shelia, yeah I know tonight's your sister's Bingo night. I'll be there, okay. Yeah, I'll talk to the neighbors about their barking dog. Yeah, I know I told you we'd get a leprechaun cut-out for the yard this year. I'll get it done, okay." He pulled the phone away from his head and grumbled, "Remind me why the fuck we moved next door to her sister in Jersey," to no one in particular.

"Maury I just don't know," Matilda continued, oblivious to Maury's other conversations. "Derek and Hansel are even trying to teach him how to read. Derek spells `boys' as `bois', it's just ridiculous. The only word they've taught him to spell correctly so far is `accessorize' I don't want my son to grow up to be a prissy, self-centered idiot who owns over a hundred different types of hair gel. Granted, an idiot that knows how to use each one."

That caught Maury's attention. "Derek Zoolander can spell accessorize?"

"Actually that was Hansel."

Maury shrugged and gave her a hard look. "You know what your real problem is, Matilda? You feel intimidated by those two. Jealous even. You knew how it would be when you married Derek; the money, the modeling, high fashion!" he gesticulated wildly. "I mean what woman wouldn't want any of that?" He paused and gave her a scathing once over, "Maybe not you, Mrs. Kmart."

"Hey, these are boutique clothes I'm wearing." Matilda tilted her chin up defiantly.

"Re-sale boutique, maybe." He shook his mobile in her face. "But my point is that you're a smart girl, sure, but your type is a dime a dozen and all of you are out there making chicken-scratch. Being smart isn't everything, having money and knowing how to deal with others who have money, now that's something."

Matilda didn't look convinced and Maury tried a different tactic. "Listen. You take someone like Mugatu. Smart guy, real smart. Regular mastermind. But did you fall for him? No. You fell in love with sweet, simple Derek Zoolander who wouldn't hurt a fly. Well maybe if he would if he were brainwashed in a Day Spa to assassinate political figures." Matilda could've sworn she heard him chuckle under his breath before he continued. "Derek and Hansel are both good guys. You shouldn't question them so much. They've done pretty well at life, haven't they? Could do much worse than to make loads of money doing what - how does Derek put it `by being really, really ridiculously good-looking." And if being a rich idiot is good enough for his father then it's good enough for Derek Jr.! You're just going to have to be the man here. Seems like that's a good role for you." Maury turned away from her and quickly resumed the conversation over his cell phone.

"Just get your ass down there and fix this if you want to work in this city again..."

Matilda couldn't help but feel unsettled at the thought that she was taking advice from the greedy, lecherous male modeling agent, Maury Ballstein. What had the world come to?

She remembered his bulging eyes and reddened face as he'd screamed into the phone, not actually attending to what she'd been saying anyway. Maybe she should see a shrink - did New Yorkers still do that? She could never keep up with that sort of thing. Half the time these days, she really did feel as clueless as... Derek must feel all the time. Matilda couldn't help but smirk at her inner joke at Derek's expense.

"I'll never fit into this world of rich, conceited," _and dumb as rocks,_ she added silently to herself, "models, actors and the professionally good-looking."

Again, there was no answer and Matilda realized she was alone with the Ethiopian-style sushi and empty brioche tins. A quick scan of the room revealed Hansel and Derek standing beside Derek Jr. in the Ronald McDonald mirror, striking identical poses. Matilda sighed at the sheer absurdity of it all. But she really did love the guy. Maury was right, intellect wasn't everything. Matilda felt almost content as she watched Derek and Hansel crawl into the jungle gym after Derek Jr.

And it didn't hurt that they were, after all, ridiculously good-looking. Matilda leaned back for a better angle of Hansel's well-formed backside before he disappeared into the `Hamburglar' hidey-hole of the McDonald's playground.

_finis!_

 

 

 


End file.
